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Thread: Krozair's Krackup's

  1. #106
    I like to post Landro's Avatar
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    Q: What does a Cuban do when he gets a flat tire?
    A: Drown

    That was the least offensive joke from this link. Click at your own risk
    http://forum.ebaumsworld.com/showthr...ASS-COLLECTION
    This is my province. There are many like it, but this one is mine.
    My province is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life.
    My province, without me, is useless. Without my province, I am useless.
    I must attack hard with my province. I must attack harder than my enemy who is trying to pk me. I must pk him before he pk's me. I will...

  2. #107
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    A man using Apple map walks into a bar or maybe a hospital or possibly a church
    This is my province. There are many like it, but this one is mine.
    My province is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life.
    My province, without me, is useless. Without my province, I am useless.
    I must attack hard with my province. I must attack harder than my enemy who is trying to pk me. I must pk him before he pk's me. I will...

  3. #108
    Forum Addict Krozair's Avatar
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    LOL - loved the apple map one - so true...


    A MAN'S AGE AS DETERMINED BY A TRIP TO THE HARDWARE STORE

    You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house - mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room or whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dust, lawn clippings, dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit... shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who knows what and an old pair of tennis shoes.

    Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realise you need to run to the hardware store to get something to help complete the job. Depending on your age you might do the following...

    IN YOUR 20'S
    Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favourite aftershave because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

    IN YOUR 30'S
    Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favourite aftershave to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

    IN YOUR 40'S
    Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to the ha5rdware store. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The hot young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel creepy checking out her cleav [although it doesn't stop you].

    IN YOUR 50'S
    Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dog crap in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you've still got it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from a Beer & Bait Bar and says "I Got Worms".

    IN YOUR 60'S
    Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.

    IN YOUR 70'S
    Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to the hardware store until the chemist has your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog crap on your shoes. The young thing at the register stares at you and you realise your balls are hanging out the hole in your crotch.

    IN YOUR 80'S
    Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you need to go to the hardware store. Go to K-Mart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

    IN YOUR 90'S & BEYOND
    What's a hardware store? Something for my garden? Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this? Who farted?
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  4. #109
    Forum Addict Krozair's Avatar
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    GREAT SPORTS QUOTES

    -"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes". -Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh
    -"Apart from their goals, St Kilda was scoreless in that opening quarter" -Eddie McGuire
    -Left hand, right hand, it doesn't matter. I'm amphibious". - Charles Shackleford
    -"It may have been going wide, but nevertheless it was a great shot on target" -Brian Taylor
    -"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein". -Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996
    -"They didn't change positions, they just moved the players around" -Sam Newman
    -"Any time Detroit scores more than 100 points and holds the other team below 100 points, they almost always win". -Doug Collins
    -"More football later, but first let's see the first half highlights from the Essendon v Collingwood game" -Peter Landy
    -"You guys line up alphabetically by height". - Bill Peterson, a : Florida State football coach
    -"Kicked wide of the goal with such precision"-Sandy Roberts
    -"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father" -Greg Norman
    -"Wakelin conceded five, you don't get many of those to the dozen" -Rodney Eade
    -"You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle". -Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach
    -"I want to kick 70 or 80 goals this season, whichever comes first". -Barry Hall
    -"The drivers have one foot on the brake, one on the clutch, and one on the throttle". -Bob Varsha
    -"Luke Hodge - the 21 year old, who turned 22 a few weeks ago" -Dermott Brereton
    -Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements "I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school".
    -"Chad had done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator". -Mark Williams
    -"You can sum up this sport [boxing] in two words: 'You never know.'" -Lou Duva
    -"He scored that goal after only 22 seconds - totally against the run of play". -Dermott Brereton
    -Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton".
    -"We actually got the winning goal three minutes from the end but then they scored". -Ben Cousins, West Coast Eagles
    -"When you get that nice celebration coming into the dugout and you're getting your ass hammered by guys there's no better feeling than to have that done". -Matt Stairs
    -"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body". -Luke Darcy
    -Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a colour photo of himself above his locker "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes".
    -"That kick was absolutely unique, except for the one before it which was identical". -Dermott Brereton
    -"The NFL, like life, is full of idiots". -Randy Cross
    -"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again". -Andrew Demetriou
    -Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece: "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to".
    -"Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw". -Dermott Brereton
    -"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is". -Lou Deva
    -"These are my new shoes. They're good shoes. They won't make you rich like me, they won't make you rebound like me, they definitely won't make you handsome like me. They'll only make you have shoes like me. That's it". -Charles Barkley
    -Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships "I've won at every level, except college and pro".
    -After Michael Jordan had scored a play-off record 69 points "I'll always remember this as the night Michael and I combined to score 70 points". -Stacey King
    -"You don't like to see hookers going down on players like that". -Murry Mexted
    -"I'm in favour of drug tests, just so long as they are multiple choice". -Kurt Rambis
    -Lou Duva, Veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is".
    -"I only know how to play two ways: reckless and abandon". -Magic Johnson
    -"I dunno. I never smoked any Astroturf". -Tug Mcgraw, after being asked if he preferred grass or Astroturf
    -"In my prime I could have handled Michael Jordan. Of course, he would be only 12 years old". -Jerry Sloan
    -Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play".
    -"Sometimes a player's greatest challenge is coming to grips with his role on the team". -Scottie Pippen
    -"Baseball is 90% mental. The other half is physical". -Yogi Berra
    -On the seemingly one-sided relationship between Michael Jordan and his shoe sponsors Nike "The company should change its name to Mike". -Alvin Robertson
    -Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt".
    -"On the best tactic when playing alongside Kareem Abdul-Jabbar- Just give him the ball". -Magic Johnson
    -"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees". -Jason Kidd
    -Mike McCormack, coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts after the team's co-captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring running onto the field for the coin toss against St. Louis: "I'm going to send the injured reserve players out for the toss next time".
    -"Retaliate first" -Jack Dyer, instructing his players during a final series
    -Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been coloured yet".
    -"I only have two words for you men - believe in yourselves" -Jack Dyer, instructing his players during a final series
    -Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs "I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating".
    -"If you are not in bed by 12 o'clock, go home" -Jack Dyer, instructing his players during a final series
    -Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons "It's basically the same, just darker".
    -"Tell him he is John Coleman and send him back on" -Jack Dyer, when told by medical staff that a concussed player 'did not know who he is'
    -"Basketball is like photography, if you don't focus, all you have is the negative. -Dan Frisby
    -Jim Colletto, Purdue football coach and former assistant at Arizona State and Ohio State, on his 11-year-old son's reaction after he took the job with the Boilermakers: "He said 'Gosh, dad, that means we're not going to any more bowl games".
    -"Any time Carlton scores more than 100 points and holds the other team below 100 points they almost always win". -Lou Richards
    -LaVell Edwards, BYU football coach and one of 14 children "They can't fire me because my family buys too many tickets".
    -"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to sail through the air for even longer". -Peter Landy
    -Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player "I told him 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care".
    -"I think everybody gets caught up in superstitions. But I don't put much stock in them... knock on wood". -Jason Akermanis, Brisbane
    -Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings.
    -"If you can't stand the heat in the dressing-room, get out of the kitchen" -Tony Shaw
    -Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject".
    -"In basketball, the first person to touch the ball shoots it. Either that or the coach carefully diagrams a set play and then the first player to touch it shoots it". -Gene Klein
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  5. #110
    Forum Addict Krozair's Avatar
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    Three cops were sitting at the station discussing their best sex moves.

    The first cops says, "Guys I'll tell ya the best move. Keep a gun loaded with blanks in arms reach from your bed. When I was hitting my beauty from behind, I grabbed it outta my nightstand and fired a blank. She tightened up so fast, and we both came harder than we ever had before!"

    Amazed, the other two cops surely had thoughts of their own.

    The following day, they were all sitting around shooting the ****, and the second cop says "Damn, you were right, my wife was riding me reverse cow-girl. And right when she was getting into it the most, I grabbed my gun and fired a blank and WOW! She came so hard she cried in my arms".

    The next day, the first two cops were standing around waiting for their buddy, and he never showed up. Another day passed and still no word. On the third day, the third cop shows up walking a little bow legged.

    "What the hell happened to you?" says the first cop. "Well, I listened to you assholes. When me and my ol' lady were 69'ing I pulled my gun outta my nightstand, fired a blank, and she bit three inches off my dick and **** on my face".
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  6. #111
    I like to post Landro's Avatar
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    This Halloween I'll dress up as a period. I'll be late and scare the **** out of all the girls!
    This is my province. There are many like it, but this one is mine.
    My province is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life.
    My province, without me, is useless. Without my province, I am useless.
    I must attack hard with my province. I must attack harder than my enemy who is trying to pk me. I must pk him before he pk's me. I will...

  7. #112
    Forum Addict Krozair's Avatar
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    A couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
    Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.
    "I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer."
    The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer -- brands from 12 different countries including Germany, Holland, Japan, Czech Republic, etc.
    The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... You know... they have frozen glasses."
    He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that chunks of ice were forming out of the air on it.
    The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres. I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
    "You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took out several kinds of hot, home-made hors d'oeuvres.
    "But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that...."
    "You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? Fine! Sit your ass down, shut the hell up, drink your beer in your frozen mug, and eat your hors d' oeuvres because your married ass isn't going to a damned bar! Got it, jackass?"
    And they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  8. #113
    I like to post Landro's Avatar
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    I love hiring women...


    you save 25 cents on the Dollar!
    This is my province. There are many like it, but this one is mine.
    My province is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life.
    My province, without me, is useless. Without my province, I am useless.
    I must attack hard with my province. I must attack harder than my enemy who is trying to pk me. I must pk him before he pk's me. I will...

  9. #114
    Forum Addict Krozair's Avatar
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    To get into heaven you had to walk up 100 stairs but on each stair god asks you a joke if you laugh you go to HELL. So the brunette gets to the 56th stair and bursts out laughing and gets sent to hell. Then red-head gets to the 97th stair and bursts out laughing and gets sent to hell. Then the blonde gets into heaven and bursts out laughing then god asked her "why are you laughing?" the blonde replied "I just got the first one!"
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  10. #115
    I like to post KuhaN's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Krozair View Post
    To get into heaven you had to walk up 100 stairs but on each stair god asks you a joke if you laugh you go to HELL. So the brunette gets to the 56th stair and bursts out laughing and gets sent to hell. Then red-head gets to the 97th stair and bursts out laughing and gets sent to hell. Then the blonde gets into heaven and bursts out laughing then god asked her "why are you laughing?" the blonde replied "I just got the first one!"
    Lol. Love this thread!
    "Go back to the gym because you f'king suck at utopia, noob." -Godly



    My classic black theme for Utopia - Updated 5/13/15

    Quote Originally Posted by darkl1ght View Post
    Unfortunately, no amount of razes will improve your war record
    Greatest strategy thread/question of all-time.

  11. #116
    Forum Addict Krozair's Avatar
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    Glad your enjoying them.... he's one of my favourites.....


    I went to the doctor's office the other day at my wife's request and found our new family doctor is a young female.

    I was embarrassed, but she said "Don't worry, I'm a professional -

    I've seen it all before.

    Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out".

    I said "My wife thinks my penis tastes funny".
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  12. #117
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    Quote Originally Posted by Krozair View Post
    Glad your enjoying them.... he's one of my favourites.....


    I went to the doctor's office the other day at my wife's request and found our new family doctor is a young female.

    I was embarrassed, but she said "Don't worry, I'm a professional -

    I've seen it all before.

    Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out".

    I said "My wife thinks my penis tastes funny".
    ima use that one, but ima say my gf!
    "Go back to the gym because you f'king suck at utopia, noob." -Godly



    My classic black theme for Utopia - Updated 5/13/15

    Quote Originally Posted by darkl1ght View Post
    Unfortunately, no amount of razes will improve your war record
    Greatest strategy thread/question of all-time.

  13. #118
    I like to post Landro's Avatar
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    Not really a joke but it's silly :)
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature...&v=3Aewe-cTaHA
    This is my province. There are many like it, but this one is mine.
    My province is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life.
    My province, without me, is useless. Without my province, I am useless.
    I must attack hard with my province. I must attack harder than my enemy who is trying to pk me. I must pk him before he pk's me. I will...

  14. #119
    I like to post Landro's Avatar
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    Q: What do you do when everybody in your country (Poland) is drunk most of the time?
    A: You build a house that only looks normal when you're drunk
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Kr..._w_Sopocie.jpg
    This is my province. There are many like it, but this one is mine.
    My province is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life.
    My province, without me, is useless. Without my province, I am useless.
    I must attack hard with my province. I must attack harder than my enemy who is trying to pk me. I must pk him before he pk's me. I will...

  15. #120
    Forum Addict Krozair's Avatar
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    A FEW FACTS ABOUT MEN

    -Men like to barbeque. Men will cook if danger is involved.
    -Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewellery.
    -If a woman buys her husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, she needs to lock the door when she goes to the bathroom.
    -Women need to be careful of men who are bald and rich. The arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald".
    -Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
    -Men are very confident people. A husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates, he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from the living room and if they are really in trouble, the wife has to get off the phone in case they call him.
    -If its attention a girl wants, she doesn't need to get involved with a man during playoff season.
    -Men like phones with lots of buttons. it makes them feel important.
    -Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
    -All men look nerdy in ANY socks and sandals.
    -The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.
    -Women should not try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.
    -Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.
    -A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
    -Men love watches with multiple functions.
    -All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship". These seven words strike fear in the heart of even the Inspector General of Police.
    -Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.
    -Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a camp fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
    -All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Ask disgruntled women for a list of names.
    -Men don't get cellulite.
    -Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Woman have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
    -Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, sleep next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
    -Women take clothing much more seriously than men. Rarely does a man walk into a party and say "Oh my gosh. I'm so embarrassed... get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo!"
    -Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
    - If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.
    -If you're dating a man who you think is Mr Right and if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise.
    -The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on caterpillars and butterflies.
    -Men own basketball teams. Every cheerleader's outfits get tighter and player's shorts get baggier and longer.
    -No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
    -When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
    -When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
    -Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.
    -Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
    -Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am i emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outstropective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"
    -If a man says "I'll call you" and doesn't, he didn't forget, he didn't lose your number, he didn't die, he just didn't want to call you.
    -Men hate to lose. If a woman beats he husband at tennis, she might ask him "Are we ever going to be in love again?" He might say "Yes, but not with each other".
    -Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you really want to get rid of a man say "I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have your children". Sometimes they leave skid marks.
    -Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch you look great". Mitch: "Thanks". On the other side: "Ruth, you look great". Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting"
    -Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.
    -Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.
    -Only men who have worn a ski suit understands how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.
    -Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. Women need men emotionally and intimately, but they also need men to help them get dressed.
    -Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
    -When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.
    -Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
    -Men forget everything, women remember everything. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.
    -Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.
    -All men would still really like to own a train set.
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

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