Krozair's Krackup's

[Krozair]

Cause even forums should be fun.....

Three men - a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in a car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.
"Gentlemen" the Devil started "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, therefore St Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell".
The philosopher then stepped up "Okay give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings". With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.
The mathematician then asked "Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.
The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat". The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?" The Devil inspected the seat and said "The third hole from the right". "Wrong" said the idiot "it's from my arsehole". And the idiot went to Heaven.

[Krozair]

ok peoples...feel free to add your own as well....

Two businessmen in Sydney were sitting down for a much-needed break in their soon-to-be new shop...
As yet, the shop wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some pensioner is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "What are you selling here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling arse-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "Must be doing well... Only two left."

[Grunkz]

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

[Grunkz]

The madam opened the brothel door in Milngavie and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
"May I help you sir?"she asked.
The man replied, "I want to see Suzy."
"Sir, Suzy is one of our most expensive ladies
Perhaps you would prefer someone else" , said the madam.
He replied, "No, I must see Suzy."
Just then, Suzy appeared and announced to the man she charged ?5000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Suzy.
Suzy explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.
"There are no discounts. The price is still ?5000."
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again.
Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Suzy and they went upstairs.
After their session, Suzy said to the man,
"No one has ever been with me three nights in a row.
Where are you from?"
The man replied, " Edinburgh."
"Really," she said. "I have family in Edinburgh ."
"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her lawyer
She asked me to give you your ?15,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer!

[Krozair]

ALCOHOROSCOPES
If you have finished relating your birth signs to ANIMALS, BIRDS, FRUITS, COLOURS, NUMBERS and what not, here is something FAR MORE relevant. Based on your Sunsigns, Alcohoroscopes explains your expected behaviour AFTER YOU GET DRUNK!

ARIES: Impulsive Aries people like to party and sometimes don't know when to call it a night. Their competitive streak makes them prone to closing-time shot contests. They're sloppy, fun drunks, and they get mighty flirty after a couple tipples. Getting Aries people drunk is good way to get what you want out of them, should other methods fail. Aries can become bellicose when blotto, but they will assume that whatever happened should be forgiven (if not forgotten) by sunrise. They can be counted on to do the same for you - so long as you haven't gone and done anything really horrible to them last night, you sneaky Gemini.

TAURUS: Taurus prefers to drink at a leisurely pace, aiming for a mellow glow rather than a full-on zonk. Since a truly intoxicated Taurus is a one-person stampede, the kind of bull-in-a-China-shop inebriate who spills red wine on white carpets and tells fart jokes to employers, the preference for wining and dining (or Bud and buddies) to body shots and barfing is quite fortunate for the rest of us. This is not to say that the Bull is by any means a teetotaller- god, no. A squiffy Taurus will get, ER, gregarious (full of loud mouth soup, some would say) and is extremely amusing to drag to a karaoke bar when intoxicated.

GEMINI: Gemini's can drink without changing their behaviour much - they're so naturally chatty and short-attention-spanned that it's just hard to tell sometimes. They can amaze you by conversing with finesse and allusion, then doing something to belie an extremely advanced state of intoxication, like puking in your shoe. Gemini's possess the magic ability to flirt successfully (and uninfuriatingly, which is very tricky) with several people at once. They like to order different cocktails every round - repetition is boring - and may create a theme (like yellow drinks: beer, sauvignon blanc and limoncello) for their own amusement.

CANCER: Cancer is a comfort drinker - and an extra wine with dinner or an after-work beer or six can be extra comforting, can't it, Cancer darling? Like fellow water signs Scorpio and Pisces, Crabs must guard against lushery. Cancers are brilliant at ferreting out secret parties and insinuating themselves on VIP lists - and, in true Hollywood style, Cancers are never really drunk; instead, they get 'tired and emotional' (read: weepy when lubricated). But there's nothing better than swapping stories (and spit) over a few bottles of inky red wine with your favourite Cancer. Even your second-favourite Cancer will do. The sign also rules the flavour vanilla, and you'd be adored if you served up a vanilla vodka and soda.

LEO: Leo likes to drink and dance - they're often fabulous dancers, and usually pretty good drinkers as well, losing their commanding dignity and turning kittenish. Of course, they're quite aware they're darling -Leos will be Leos, after all. They generally know their limit, probably because they loathe losing self-control. When they get over-refreshed, expect flirting to ensue - and perhaps not with the one what rung them. But Leo's not the type to break rules even when drunk, so just try to ignore it (try harder, Cancer) and expects a sheepish (and hung over) Lion to make it up to you the next day.

VIRGO: Cerebral Virgos are compelled to impose order onto their bender. Their famously fussy quest for purity could lead to drinking less than other signs, sure - but it could also lead to drinking booze neat, to sucking down organic wine or just to brand loyalty. They rarely get fully shellacked - but, oh, when they do! Virgo's controlled by the intellect, but there's an unbridled beast lurking within, and they let it loose when walloped. It's dead sexy (and surprisingly unsloppy). As one Virgo friend used to declare, 'I'm going to drink myself into a low-level of intelligence tonight.' A toast to the sub genius IQ!

LIBRA: 'I'm jusht a social drinker,' slurs Libra, 'it's jusht that I'm so damn social?' Libra loves nothing more than to party, mingle and relate to everyone. Whether dipped in favour of Good Libra (with Insta-Frienddevice set to 'on') or heavier on the Evil Libra side (they are little instigators when bored), the Scales can really work a room. Charming as they are, Libras are notoriously lacking in self-control, however, which can get them into all sorts of trouble -including wearing their wobbly boots waaaay too early in the evening, flirting with every man/woman in the room or even blacking out the night's events entirely. Oops!

SCORPIO: Don't ever tell Scorpios they've had enough, for they'll smirk at you and quietly but intentionally keep tippling till they're hog-whimpering drunk, out of 100-proof spite. Scorpios like to drink, and screw you if you have a problem with that. Most of them
seethe sauce as something to savour in itself, and not as a personality-altering tool - though if depressed, self-loathing Scorps seek total obliteration. But generally, they're fascinating drinking pals, brilliant conversationalists and dizzying flirts. They also remember everything - especially what you did when you were blitzed. Only drink with a Scorpio who likes you.

SAGITTARIUS: In vino veritas - and, for Sagittarius, in booze blurtiness: When buttered, they'll spill all your secrets and many of their own. Tactlessness aside, Sagittarius is just plain fun to drink with. This is a sign of serious partying (what else would you expect from the sign of Sinatra, Keith Richards, the Bush twins and Anna Nicole Smith?). They're the people who chat up everyone in the room, then persuade the entire crowd to travel somewhere else - like a nightclub, or a playground, or Cancun. Good-natured hijinks are sure to ensue (including a high possibility of loopy groping; spontaneous Sag is a brilliant booty call).

CAPRICORN: Capricorn is usually described as practical, steadfast, money-hungry and status-thirsty - no wonder they get left off the astrological cocktail-party list. But this is the sign of David Bowie and Annie Lennox, not to mention Elvis. Capricorn is the true rock star: independent, powerful and seriously charismatic, not too eager to please. And if they make money being themselves, who're you to quibble? But just like most rock stars, they're either totally on or totally off, and they generally need a little social lubricant to loosen up and enjoy the after party, especially if they can hook-up with a cute groupie.

AQUARIUS: Aquarius and drinking don't go together that well(except for water, that is). They have an innate tendency toward know-it-allism, and if they get an idea while sizzled, they're more stubborn than a stain or a stone. If they're throwing a party or organizing an outing, however, they're too preoccupied with their duties to get combative - and they make perfectly charming drunks in that case. Fortunately, they're usually capital drink-nursers. They also make the best designated drivers (if you can get them before they start raising their wrist). Aquarius is fascinated by drunk people and capable of holding interesting conversations with soused strangers while sober.

PISCES: If you're a Pisces, you've probably already heard that you share a sign and an addictive personality -with Liz Taylor, Lisa Minnelli and Kurt Cobain. Not only do Pisces like to lose themselves in the dreamy, out-there feeling that only hooch can give, but they build up a mighty tolerance fast. Who needs an expensive date like that? On the other hand, they're fabulously enchanting partners, whether in conversation or in crime. With the right Pisces, you can start out sharing a pitcher of margaritas and windup in bed together for days. The phrase 'addictive personality' can be read two ways, you know...

[neanderthal]

LOL, always the best part about warring you guys Krozair.

[Krozair]

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usual communication traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made this remark "Good luck Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.
On July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay FL, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.
When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball, which landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky.
As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs.Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. "Sex! You want sex?! You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"
True story.

[Krozair]

The administration of this particular elementary school decided to start a more inclusive policy on which words were 'bad' words. Among those initiated to the category was 'suck' (when not referring to the principle of suction). One day a child came up to the teacher to inform her that one of the other students had said a bad word. "What was the bad word he said?" asked the teacher. "I can't say it". "It's okay to tell me, you won't get in trouble for it". "No, it's too bad, I don't want to say it". "Well I have to know what he said in order to punish him. Can you tell me what it is without saying it?" "Well... it rhymes with '****'".

[Krozair]

what no one else have any jokes 2 share.....? Apart from Grunkz that is...

A guy and a girl are lying in a bed after just having sex. The girl lays on her side of the bed and rests. The guy goes to his side of the bed and says to himself "Man oh Man, I finally did it! I'm no longer a virgin". The girl overhears him talking to himself and asks "Are you saying you lost your virginity to me?" "Well," the guy explains, "I always wanted to wait until I was with the woman I love to lose my virginity". Astounded, the girl replies, "So you really love me?" "Oh God no!" the guy says. "I just got sick of waiting".

[Palem]

You'll never see noses the same way...

http://teenagemutantninjanoses.tumblr.com/

[Krozair]

@Palem...lol

A contractor parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car, a Truck comes flying along too close to the curb and takes off the door before speeding off.
Distraught, the contractor grabs his cell phone and calls the cops. Five minutes later, the police arrive.
Before the cop has a chance to ask any questions, the contractor starts screaming hysterically, "My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined! No matter how long it's in the shop it'll simply never be the same again!"
After the contractor finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust. "I can't believe how materialistic you bloody contractors are," he says. "You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life."
"How can you say such a thing at a time like this?" snaps the contractor.
The policeman replies, "Didn't you realise your left arm was torn off when the truck hit you?"
The contractor looks down in absolute horror. "F**king hell!" he screams.
"Where's my Rolex?!"

[Krozair]

I got home from the pub last night completely pissed but horny as a goat. There was a quick lecture from the wife about coming home drunk, but she eventually lay down on the bed and spread her legs. After a few minutes, I could feel it starting to come. "OK babe" I said, pulling out "it's coming. Do you want it on the belly or on the face?" "What? You come home completely pissed up and now you want all this perverted stuff?" "Come on, babe" I said. "Belly or face?" "Face" she said. So that's where I puked.

[Krozair]

MORE THINGS I LEARNED FROM THE MOVIES

-When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
-If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of year.
-All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to the waist level on the man lying beside her.
-The Chief of Police will almost always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
-All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
-It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone to talk you down.
-The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place - no one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.
-Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is their polar opposite.
-The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
-All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they are going to go off.
-If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition, even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
-You are very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
-Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language - a German accent will do.
-If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
-A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
-When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
-Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
-If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
-Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
-Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
-All telephone numbers in America begin with 555.
-A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.
-Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
-Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
-It is not necessary to hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
-Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
-It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
-A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
-It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will patiently attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
-When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
-No-one ever involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
-Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
-You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
-Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment that it is aired.

[Krozair]

First-year students at the vet school were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal's body".
For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention".

[Bchance]

lmao....