Krozair's Krackup's

[Krozair]

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1am, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold". "I have a better idea" she replied "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married".
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good" she replied "Get your own ****ing blanket".
After a moment of silence... he farted.

[Krozair]

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she
is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."

[Krozair]

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.
Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason.
He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try
to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio
the Physician, the King's chief doctor.. Horatio thought about this and
said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but
it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.
Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a
little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed.
Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.
Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident,
Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if
applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests
had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to
cure the itch.
The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their
chambers.. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching
powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours,
Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.
The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and
hailed as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his
payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't
have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to
the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching
powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.

[Krozair]

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal:
'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry:
'9.'
Principal:
'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry:
'36.'
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade'
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions..'
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: 'Pockets.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
Harry: 'Pants.'
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'
Harry: 'Shake hands .'
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'
Harry:
'Firetruck.'
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.

[scorpio86]

:-|

...

[Krozair]

Pom’s diary of living in Mt Isa!!


*August 31st*

Just got transferred with work into our new home in Mt Isa, Queensland, now this is a town that knows how to live!!
Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings.
What a place!
I watched the sunset from a deck chair on the verandah It was beautiful.
I've finally found my home.
I love it here

September 13th:*

Really heating up.
Got to 35 today.
Not a problem.
Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car.
What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this.
I'm turning into a sun worshiper.

*September 30th:*

Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today
Lots of palms and rocks.
What a breeze to maintain.
No more mowing lawn for me.
Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

*October 10th*

The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week.
How do people get used to this kind of heat?
At least today it's kind of windy though.
But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.

*October 15th:*

Fell asleep by the pool.
Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.
Missed 3 days of work.
What a dumb thing to do.
I learned my lesson though.
Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

*October 20th:*

I missed Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning.
By the time I got to the hot car for lunch, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $3,000 leather upholstery.
I told the kids that she ran away.
The car now smells like Wiskettes and cat ****.
I learned my lesson though.
No more pets in this heat.

October 25th:*

The wind sux,
It feels like a giant ****in'blow dryer!!
And it's hot as hell.
The home air-conditioner is on the blink and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needed to order parts.

*October 30th:*

Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now.
Bloody $600,000 house and we can't even go inside.
Why did I ever come here?

*November 4th:*

It's 38 degrees.
Finally got the ol' air-conditioner fixed today.
It cost $1,500 and gets the temperature down to 25, but the bloody humidity makes the house feel like it's about 30.
Stupid repairman.
I hate this stupid ****in' place.

*November 8th:*

If another wise arse cracks, "Hot enough for you today?"
I'm going to ****in'throttle him.
****in' heat!
By the time I get to work the car's radiator was boiling over, my clothes are soakin ****in' wet, and I smell like baked cat!!

*November 9th:*

Tried to run some messages after work.
Wore shorts, and sat on the black leather seats in the ol' car.
I thought my ****in' arse was on fire.
I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and my ****in' arse.
Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried arse, and baked cat.

*November 10th:*

The weather report might as well be a ****in' recording.
Hot and sunny.
Hot and sunny.
Hot and ****in' sunny.
It's been too hot to do anything for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.
Doesn't it ever rain in this damn ****in' place?
Water rationing will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms just might dry up and blow into the ****in' pool.
Even the palms can't live in this ****in' heat.

*November 14th:*

Welcome to HELL!!!
Temperature got to 41 today.
Now the air-conditioner's gone in my car.
The repairman came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?"
My wife had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail my arse out of jail for assaulting the stupid ****er.
****in'Mt Isa!
What kind of a sick demented ****in' idiot would want to live here?

*December 1st:*

WHAT?????
This is the first day of Summer????
You are ****in' kiddin!!!

[scorpio86]

:-|

[Krozair]

How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer "Olive" ?
You know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names"

Why are women's breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time ?
Because they were originally made for children but the father wants to play with them.

Why doesn't Santa have any children ?
Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it's down the chimney.

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

How are a Christmas tree and a priest alike ?
They both have ornamental balls.

What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on Christmas Eve ?
They go into town, and blow a few bucks.

What's the difference between snowmen and snow ladies ?
Snowballs.

Why did the snowman have a smile on his face ?
Because the snow blower was coming down the block.

[scorpio86]

Nice, getting better! :-)

[scorpio86]

What's yellow and screams?

A busload of schoolkids going over a cliff.

[Krozair]

@scorpio....and that is your idea of better....

There are 3 dogs in a veterinarian clinic: a Poodle, a Chihuahua, and a Great Dane.
The poodle asks the Chihuahua," What are you in here for?" The Chihuahua says," Well usually I’m a good dog...but I have a huge problem with my mail man. I don’t know why, I just always have to bite him, and I gave him a serious injury. So... they’re going to put me to sleep today. What are you here for?" he asks the poodle.
The poodle says, "Well usually I'm a pretty good dog, but my owners son always sticks his finger in my food while I'm eating. And when he does that...I just got to bite him I don’t know why. And I really hurt him. So there going to put me to sleep today."
The two dogs look at the Great Dane, and the Great Dane is like 20 times bigger than them. And they ask," DAMN MAN!!! What are you in here for? You never see Great Danes in the pound." And the Great Dane says," Awwww, you guys wouldn't believe me if I told you." And they said, "JUST TELL US!"
So the Great Dane says, "Well usually I'm a pretty good dog, but you see I have like the hottest owner in the world. She’s a beautiful woman with a HOT RACK and SEXY ASS. One day when she got out of the shower, she bent over to get a towel. When she did, I totally lost all self-control. So I mounted her and started GOING AT IT!!!"
The two dogs say, "DAMN MAN!!! So they’re going to put you to sleep too huh???” And the Great Dane replies, "HELL NO, I'M JUST HERE TO GET MY NAILS TRIMMED!"

[scorpio86]

That's one of my best jokes.

[Krozair]

Tony had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be The Man of Your House.'
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'
His Australian wife Cheryl replied, "The ****ing funeral director would be my first guess."

[DDodge]

i enjoy these Krozair. never, ever, stop.

[Krozair]

Thx :) Good to know one or two people are reading them.....


THE COSTA CONCORDIA

-I was watching the news about the stricken cruise ship when the Sky News presenter said "She's lying on her side with a gash the size of a tennis court". I just happened to glance over at the wife on the sofa and that's when the fight started.

-The current plight of the Costa Concordia reminds me of a comment made by Churchill. After his retirement he was cruising the Mediterranean on an Italian cruise liner and some Italian journalists asked why an ex British Prime Minister should choose an Italian ship. "There are three things I like about being on an Italian cruise ship" said Churchill. "First their cuisine is unsurpassed. Second their service is superb. And then, in time of emergency, there is none of this nonsense about women and children first".

-The Italian army has been called in to help with the people from the grounded cruise ship but they have now swapped sides and declared war on the survivors.

-Wife: "Can I drive?" Husband: "No, I'm fine". Wife: "Oh please let me, I really want to". Husband: "NO!" Wife: "Tell you what, if you let me drive just for a bit, when we get home I'll give you a blowjob". Husband: "Really??" Wife: "Promise!" Husband: "Oh, go on then". "...and that, your Honour, is the final entry from the black box on the cruise ship Costa Concordia"

-What's the difference between and Italian Cruise Liner and a Goat? The crew will go down on a goat.

-When the captain of the ill-fated Costa Concordia was asked if he knew where he was going, he replied "off course".

-Costa Concordia - the only cruise liner where the sauna is cold but the pool is at 90 degrees.

-The captain of the Costa Concordia says he is not guilty of manslaughter and has witnesses to prove he was nowhere near the passengers who died.

-The Costa Concordia is probably the most expensive thing to go down in Italy since Berlusconi's last hooker.

-News reports say the stricken Costa Concordia first listed to the left, then to the right. Bloody Italians... even their ships don't know which side to be on.

-Italian Police are still interviewing the Chinese Honeymoon couple found on the Costa Concordia as to the whereabouts of the rescue dog that first found them.

-Italian divers searching the stricken cruise ship have found two Scotsmen at the bar. They've told the divers to piss off, as all drinks are included in the fare.

-Costa Concordia - where you are guaranteed to get your drink on the rocks.

-Now I know it's nearly the 100th anniversary of Titanic and all that, but aren't the Italians going a bit far with their tribute?

-Attention passengers, this is your captain. We of Carnival Cruise Lines Costa Concordia welcome you to Italy. If you look out the port side now you'll see the beautiful Tuscan sky, and to our starboard, you'll see the old Italian navy.

-So the captain of the Costa Concordia will soon be in the dock... more than can be said for his ship.

-Man phones the model shop and asks have you got a model of the Costa Concordia. "Yes sir, we have one left". That's very good. can you put it on one side for me please?"