Krozair's Krackup's

[astronomer86]

The cop joke was pretty damn funny Krozair :-)

[sheeplovebeer]

I'm only on page 2 but great jokes Krozair

[Krozair]

Glad people are enjpying them :)

A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. So she went to a playground, grabbed a kid, and took him behind a tree. "I've kidnapped you!", said the blonde and then proceeded to write a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and place it under the pecan tree next to the playground. Signed, A Blonde." The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show his parents.
The next morning the blonde checked under the tree and surely enough, a paper bad was sitting there. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"

[Mauler]

Ehh...youve had better

[Landro]

Tell people there's an invisible guy in the sky who created the universe and the vast majority will believe you.
Tell them the paint is wet and they have to touch it to be sure.

George Carlin

[Landro]

Fun with elections

Ann Romney: Glad her husband lost so she doesn't have to move to a smaller house
Mitt Romney: "I just spent $800.000.000 on a job interview and I still didn't get the job"
Big Bird: "Looks like somebody doesn't have a job but it's not me"

And check out this link for more laughs
http://whitepeoplemourningromney.tumblr.com/

[Avenger]

And check out this link for more laughs
http://whitepeoplemourningromney.tumblr.com/

hahahaha

[Landro]

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.
After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop came in for a haircut. When he tried to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open, he found a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut. When he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

[freemehul]

Mitt Romney has a tough evening. It's the night after the election. He's not feeling motivated. His six wives Ann, Ann, Ann, Ann, Ann and Ann want to make him feel better and give him the so and so. After the 5th wife he's quite fatigued. It's just one more wife to please.

To boost himself, he looks down and mutters to himself:









"Yes we can"

[astronomer86]

KNOCK KNOCK


Who's there?


Me.


Me who?


Me.



HAHAHAHA!!!

[Krozair]

Father Duffy walks into the convent and sees Sister Rose washing the kitchen floor. He's overcome with desire and pushes her onto the ground. As he's shagging her the Rev Mother comes in. "SISTER ROSE!!!' she roars 'Have some respect. Arch your back girl and keep Father Duffy's balls off the wet floor!!"
--
--
Two workers meet one day in the cafeteria at work. One says to the other "Have you heard the news? The Managing Director of the company died over the weekend". The other replies "Yes, I know. But I want to know who died with him". "What do you mean 'who died with him'?" asks the first. "Well, in the paper it said that 'with him died one of the company's best workers' and I want to know who it was".
--
Trevor goes into a florist and says "I would like to buy a bunch of flowers for my girlfriend". The florist looked at him and said "Certainly sir, what is it you're after?" Trevor replies "A root".
--
A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying "I spat in this beer, do not drink!". After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying "So did I!"

[Landro]

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize its terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light. 'The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' said Bob

'Did you, ER, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy, I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'

[Krozair]

BECAUSE I'M A MAN...

... when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't, know where to start". We will then drink beer and break wind as a form of Holy Communion.

... when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.

... yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave. Please do not behave as if you do not find this fascinating.

... I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu". For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.

... I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger? I mean, how the hell could he know where we're going?

... when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much, once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

...when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in.

... I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator)... applies to engineers mainly.

... I am capable of announcing, "One more beer and I really have to go", and mean it every single time I say it, even when it gets to the point that the one bar closes and my buddies and I have to go hunt down another. I will find it increasingly hilarious to have my pals call you to tell you I'll be home soon, and no, I don't understand why you threw all my clothes into the front yard. Like, what's the connection?

... there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex, cars, or football. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.

... I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.

... you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't...

... I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

... and this is, after all, the year 2012, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes. I'll do the rest... like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.

[astronomer86]

My joke was ace.

[Krozair]

lol



My wife and I went to the Lincolnshire county farm show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said 'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'. My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs, smiled and said "He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week!".
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said 'THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'. My wife gave me a healthy jab and said "WOW! That's more than twice a week!! You could learn a lot from him".
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said in capital letters 'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'.
My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs and said "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one". I looked at her and said "Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow".
I don't remember much about what happened next. My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable, I should eventually make a full recovery.