Krozair's Krackup's

[Krozair]

A guy gets pulled over by police "Step out of the car" says the cop "I am going to need you to take a Breathalyzer test". "I can't" the guy says "I have very bad asthma - that could set off an attack". "Alright" says the cop "then you're going to have to take a blood test". "Can't do that either" Jim replies "I am a haemophiliac - if a wound is opened, I won't stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death". "Okay" the cop answers "then I will need a urine sample". "Sorry" says Jim "I also have diabetes - that could push my sugar count really low". "Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me". "Can't do that either" responds Jim. "Why not?" asked the cop. "Well, because I'm drunk you dick - I could go to jail!"

[Krozair]

Patient: Doctor, doctor. I've come out in spots like cherries on a cake. Doctor: Ah, you must have analogy.

A man goes to the vet about his dog's fleas. The vet says: "I'm sorry, I'll have to put this dog down". The man is incredulous and asks why. The vet says: "Because he's far too heavy".
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Two guys get pulled over while drinking and driving. The driver tells his friend "Peel the labels off these beer bottles, and we'll each stick one on our forehead. Now, shove all of the bottles under the front seat. Just let me do all the talking". The cop walks up and shines his flashlight into the car. "Have you been drinking?" he asks. "No, sir" the drunk answers. "We haven't had a thing to drink tonight". "Then what on earth are those beer labels doing on your foreheads?" "We're both alcoholics" says the drunk. "We're on the patch".

[Krozair]

I remember a few years ago when my little girl was only 8 years old, she came up to me and asked "Daddy, what is sex?" I was somewhat surprised that she would ask such a question. But, I figured if she's old enough to ask the question, then surely she's old enough for a straight answer. So, I proceeded to tell her all about the 'birds and the bees'. After the explanation, my daughter was a little pale and wide-eyed in disbelief. "By the way, dear, why do you ask?" I then asked her. She replied "Mummy told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs".

[Landro]

[Krozair]

Recently, the Townsville Police Department ran an email forum with the local community (a question and answer exchange) with the topic being "Community Policing". One of the civilian email participants posed the following question:

"I would like to know how it is possible for police officers to continually harass people, and get away with it?"

Sgt. Bennett, obviously a cop with a sense of humour replied: "First of all, let me tell you this... it's not easy. In Townsville, we average one cop for every 600 people.

Only about 60% of those cops are on general duty, or what you might refer to as "patrol" where we do most of our harassing. The rest are in non-harassing departments that do not allow them contact with the day to day innocents.

At any given moment, only one-fifth of the 60% patrollers are on duty, and available for harassing people while the rest are off duty.

So roughly, one cop is responsible for harassing about 5,000 residents. When you toss in the commercial business, and tourist locations that attract people from other areas, sometimes you have a situation where a single cop is responsible for harassing 10,000 or more people a day.

Now, your average ten-hour shift runs 36,000 seconds long. This gives a cop one second to harass a person, and then only three-fourths of a second to eat a pie, and then find a new person to harass.

This is not an easy task. To be honest, most cops are not up to this challenge day in and day out. It is just too tiring.

What we do is utilise some tools to help us narrow down those people which we can realistically harass. The tools available to us are as follow:

PHONE: People will call us up and point out things that cause us to focus on a person for special harassment. "My neighbour is beating his wife" is a code phrase used often. This means we'll come out and give somebody some special harassment. Another popular one: "There's a guy breaking into a house". The harassment team is then put into action.

CARS: We have special cops assigned to harass people who drive. They like to harass the drivers of fast cars, cars with no rego, or no driver's licenses and the like. It's lots of fun when you pick them out of traffic for nothing more obvious than running a red light. Sometimes you get to really heap the harassment on when you find they have drugs in the car, they are drunk, or have an outstanding warrant.

RUNNERS: Some people take off running just at the sight of a police officer. Nothing is quite as satisfying as running after them like a cat on the scent of a mouse. When you catch them you can harass them for hours, to determine why they didn't want to talk to us.

LAWS: When we don't have PHONES or CARS or RUNNERS, and have nothing better to do, there are actually books that give us ideas for reasons to harass folks. They are called "Laws"; Criminal Codes, Motor Vehicle Laws, etc. They all spell out all sorts of things for which you can really mess with people.

After you read the laws, you can just drive around for a while until you find someone violating one of these listed offenses and harass them. Just last week I saw a guy trying to steal a car. Well, there's this book we have that says that's not allowed. That meant I was allowed to harass this guy. It's a really cool system that we've set up, and it works pretty well.

We seem to have a never-ending supply of folks to harass. And we get away with it. Why? Because for the good Townsville citizens who pay the bill, we try to keep the streets safe for them, and they pay us to "harass" some people.

Hopefully sir, this has clarified to you a little bit better, how we harass the good citizens of Townsville".

[Krozair]

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass. The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!" So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?" "Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier "Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!"

[Landro]

[Nim]

oh lol

[Krozair]

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?" The little boy nodded 'yes'.

"So" the coach continued "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head, dickhead or asshole. Do you understand all that?"

The little boy nodded 'yes' again.

He continued "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play too, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach "a dumb ass or ****head" is it?'

The little boy shook his head 'NO'.

"GOOD" said the coach... "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother!"

[Landro]

Prostitution is the only job where you get paid more if you have no prior experience

[Krozair]

A blonde in a bar is hunched over her martini spearing at the olive with a cocktail stick. A dozen times the olive eludes her until a man sitting next to her grabs the stick and skewers it for her. "That's the way to do it" he says. "Big deal" replies the blonde. "You'd never have got it unless I'd tired it out first".

[Landro]

for more: http://imgur.com/gallery/tuG5A

[Krozair]

Three chums, who had been friends since high school, were drinking heavily at their reunion. They started telling exciting job related war stories. As the drinks flowed the embellishment became vast.

George, who had graduated from the police academy, told of the gang holdup of the First City National Bank. He, alone, cornered and held the gang in their hideaway until reinforcements arrived and the entire gang was arrested without injury. For his service he was awarded the Meritorious City Citation.

Fred, who had trained as a fireman, became the City Fire Marshall. In one major blaze, when a 30 unit apartment was subject of a 5 alarm fire call, Fred single-handedly raced into the burning structure and rescued a woman and her three small children, carrying the baby to safety within his fire coat.

Elmerot, after high school graduation, became a mortician. He enjoyed working with people, the pay was good, and the job was quiet. Elmerot had only one event that he thought worthy of discussion. He was working the evening shift when the First City Hotel phoned and said that a patron had died and that the mortuary should recover the body. Elmerot took the panel body recovery truck and drove to the hotel. There was no parking space available and the only loading zone was occupied. Elmerod double parked the truck and took a collapsible gurney into the hotel where he was directed to the third floor and was instructed to recover the body without disturbing the hotel guests.

Elmerot said "When I entered the room I saw this huge man, lying in bed, on his back with an enormous erection. The sheet was tented like a pale pyramid. I didn't know what to do. In that condition he wouldn't fit into a body bag and I couldn't just put him on the gurney and wheel him into the elevator and out through the lobby".

"So" Elmerot continued. "I broke a leg off of a straight back chair and thrashed, smashed and beat the day lights out of that erection. It immediately became flaccid"

George interrupted "That's interesting, but not exciting". "Oh yes it was". Continued Elmerot "I was in the wrong room".

[Krozair]

Tom, Dick and Harry were three explorers that were captured by cannibals in the jungles of Borneo. The cannibal chief said to them "If you pass the tribal test we will let you live. Go into the jungle and gather 10 items of the same fruit". So the three guys scampered into the woods.

Tom came back first with 10 apples. The Chief explained the trial to him "You must shove the fruits up your arse without any expression on your face or you will be eaten". The first apple was okay, but Tom winced in pain on the second apple, and was promptly killed and eaten.

Dick came back with 10 berries and the chief explained the trial to him as well. Dick didn't think it should be too tough, and began...

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, but on the ninth berry, he burst out in laughter and was immediately killed and eaten.

Tom and Dick meet in heaven, where Tom asked "Dick, why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!" With a smile Dick replied "I couldn't help it. I saw Harry coming with an armload of pineapples and that was that".

[Landro]

So my shrink asked me to talk to my exes to get a better idea of who I was.

Three months later I tracked them all down: Three of them had changed their identities, four had committed suicide, one had disappeared into the jungle of Borneo, two retired to a convent and the last one now goes by the name of George.

I guess I have a thing for unstable women