A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: 'Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
:) an oldie and a goodie - thx 4 posting.....
DECIPHERING THE MALE LANGUAGE
STATEMENT: "I'm a Romantic".
TRUE MEANING: "I'm poor".
STATEMENT:"You're the only girl I've ever cared about".
TRUE MEANING: "You're the only girl who hasn't rejected me".
STATEMENT:"I really want to get to know you better".
TRUE MEANING: "I want to be able to tell my friends I ****ed you".
STATEMENT:"She's kinda cute".
TRUE MEANING: "I wouldn't kick her out of bed but a pillow over the head might be necessary".
STATEMENT:"I don't know if I like her".
TRUE MEANING: "***** won't sleep with me".
STATEMENT: "Was it good for you?"
TRUE MEANING: "I'm insecure about my manhood".
STATEMENT:"I had a wonderful time last night".
TRUE MEANING: "Who are you?"
STATEMENT:"Do you love me?"
TRUE MEANING: "I've done something stupid and you're likely to find out".
STATEMENT: "How much do you love me?"
TRUE MEANING: "I've done something really stupid and someone's going to Facebook it any minute now".
STATEMENT: "I have something to tell you".
TRUE MEANING: "Get tested".
STATEMENT:"I've been thinking a lot".
TRUE MEANING: "You're not as attractive as when I was drunk".
STATEMENT:"I think we should just be friends".
TRUE MEANING: "Frankly, you're pig ugly".
STATEMENT:"I've learned a lot from you".
TRUE MEANING: "Next!!"
STATEMENT:"I'm on a long distance call, can you call me later?"
TRUE MEANING: "I am trying to avoid discussing something with you".
Laughter IS the best medicine - always
Late at night this guy runs into a pub and demands a glass of water from the publican. The guy drinks it in one gulp then asks for a second glass. Six pints later, and he has recovered enough to speak.
"Thanks" he croaks. "That's one hell of a thirst you've got" says the publican. The guy says "Any man would be as bad if they'd just had sex with the woman in my car. She's insatiable. She wants me to go right back out there and do it all again, but I can't".
"Where's your car?" the landlord asks. "At the roadside" the guy gasps. "Tell you what" says the landlord "you watch the bar for me while I nip out and take your place". "Be my guest" the guy says.
So the publican goes outside and gets in the car. It's totally dark, so the woman doesn't realise she's with a different man. And they get right down to it, humping away.
Five minutes later there's a knock on the window. It's a cop, and he shines his flashlight on the naked couple. "What's going on here?" he asks. "It's all right, officer" explains the landlord "She's my wife". The officer replies apologetically "Oh, sorry sir, I didn't realise". "Neither did I till you switched on that damned light".
Laughter IS the best medicine - always
George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Vegas. When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off. Harriet objected "George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude". "Harriet, she's a prostitute". "I don't believe you. That sweet young thing?" "Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it".
In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for 'Bambi' to come to room 1217. "Now" he said "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us okay?"
Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swirling her hips provocatively. George asked "How much do you charge?" "$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services".
George was taken aback. "$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25". Bambi laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price!" "Well" said George "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye".
After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said "I just can't believe it!" George said "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat dinner".
At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed slyly at Harriet, and said "See what you get for $25!?"
Laughter IS the best medicine - always
Fireman Bob rushed into a burning building and rescued a beautiful young lady who was clad only in the top half of her baby-doll nightgown. He carried her in his arms down three flights of stairs and saved her from her sure demise. As they arrived safely a wash of gratitude rushed over her. She looked at him with great fondness and admiration and said "Oh, you are wonderful! It must have taken great strength and courage to rescue me the way you did". "Yes it did" the fireman admitted. "I had to fight off three other firemen who were trying to get to you first!"
Laughter IS the best medicine - always
Just back from cruising from Hawaii to Sydney via Tahiti
A research team proceeded towards the apex of a natural geologic protuberance, the purpose of their expedition being the procurement of a sample of fluid hydride of oxygen in a large vessel, the exact size of which was unspecified. One member of the team precipitously descended, sustaining severe damage to the upper cranial portion of his anatomical structure. Subsequently the second member of the team performed a self-rotational translation oriented in the same direction taken by the first team member. In simple English what does this translate to? Jack and Jill went up the hill...
--
Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess "Will you marry me?" The Princess said "No!!" And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and banged skinny long-legged big-titted broads and cheerleaders and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to strip bars and dated women half his age and drank whiskey, beer and never heard *****ing and never paid child support or alimony and kept guns in his house and ate spam and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was frickin' cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up. The end.
--
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for few seconds". Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I asked. "They will grow larger over a period of years"' my husband replies. I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?" Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your ass, didn't it?" He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.
Laughter IS the best medicine - always
THIS IS NOTHING BUT TOILET HUMOUR
What I love about this exhaustive list of ****s you can take is that we as a society felt the need to make one. So here it is... every type of **** you can possibly have/do/take...
THE GHOST ****: You know you've ****. There's **** on the toilet paper, but no **** in the bowl.
THE TEFLON COATED ****: Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't feel it. No traces of **** on the toilet paper, you have to look in the bowl to be sure you did it!
THE PERFECT DUMP: Every once in a while everyone experiences the perfect dump. It's rare but a real thing of beauty. You sit down expecting the worse, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fart-less masterpiece that breaks the water with the splash-less grace of an Olympic high-diving champion. You use the toilet tissue to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right in the world and that you are in perfect harmony with it.
THE GOOEY ****: This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your ass 12 times and it still doesn't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don't stain it. This **** leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.
THE BEER ****: Nasty! Depends upon the dumper's tolerance and is the result of too many beers - doesn't matter if it was 2 or 22. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by an odious malevolent fog that could close the bathroom for days. Naked flames are ill advised...
THE SECOND THOUGHT ****: You're all done wiping your ass and you're about to stand up when you realise it... you've got some more.
THE POP A VEIN IN YOUR FOREHEAD ****: This kind is the kind of **** that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.
THE EMPTY ROLL: Relief - you've finished and reach for the tissue only to find an empty cardboard cylinder staring back at you. Panic overcomes you. You could use the curtains but then someone would ask "Where are the curtains?" Use the rug? Nah, too bulky and cumbersome. You then come to the same conclusion that every Empty Roll Dumper must face... pull up your pants, tighten your cheeks and shuffle to the nearest loo roll. Failing that you could always use your shirt-tail or one of your socks!
THE BALI BELLY ****: You **** so much you lose 5 kilos. An Indonesian delicacy.
THE RIGHT NOW ****: You better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually it has its head out before you get your pants down.
THE WHOLE ROLL CRAP: No matter how much you wipe, it just isn't enough. You blow the whole roll and have to flush at least a half dozen times. The whole episode is consumer waste. Eventually if your toilet paper runs into minimal supply anything will do, towels, wash clothes, carpet, walls - whatever it takes.
THE KING KONG OR COMMODE CHOKER ****: This **** is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A coat hanger works well. This kind of **** usually happens at someone else's house.
THE WISH ****: You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no ****!
THE SPLASH BACK: This one drops like a depth charge creating a column of cold water that washes your sphincter with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now you're wet and have toilet running water up your back. Tip: blot don't wipe.
THE CEMENT BLOCK OR OH GOD ****: You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you ****.
THE SNAKE ****: This **** is fairly soft and about as big around as your thumb and at least three feet long.
THE ENCORE: Ahhh, you're done, so you wipe, dress, flush, wash hands and are about to leave the auditorium when you feel another dump coming on. You must therefore return for a curtain call.
THE FLOATER ****: Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. My god! How do I get rid of it? This **** usually happens at someone else's house.
THE BEER DRUNK ****: This happens the day after the night before. Normally your **** doesn't smell too bad, but this **** is BAD. Usually there's somebody standing outside to use the bathroom. This kind of **** also usually happens at someone else's house.
THE CHILLI DUMP (AKA THE JAPANESE FLAG): Hot when it goes in and napalm when it comes out. It stays with you all day stinging your butthole and generally making your choccie starfish feel like the Shuttle's heat shield. Also makes your ass look like "a Japanese Flag".
THE FRIGHTENED TURTLE: The kind of **** that just pokes its head out then quickly goes back in
THE BUNGEE ****: The kind of **** that just hangs off your ass before it falls into the water.
THE CHILDBIRTH ****: This one is just too big to go through the aperture provided by nature. You sit there thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and then gets no better. You sweat violently and wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies giving birth!" There are only three things you can do: 1. Scream 2. Call an Obstetrician 3. Hope to hell you've got some Vaseline to help you get through it.
THE RING OF FIRE ****: The kind of **** where you eat really spicy food and your asshole feels like the inside of a cigarette lighter.
THE CRIPPLER: The kind of **** where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.
THE CLING-ON TURD: You've finished but there's one damn morsel that refuses to drop. You grip the seat with both hands and wriggle. You twist and pump but the little bastard just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the water below. If only you had some scissors...
THE BIG BOBBER TURD: The kind of **** that no matter how many times you flush it always floats back to the surface.
THE ****TY ****TY BANG BANG ****: The kind of **** that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.
THE MACHINE GUN POOP: Best utilised in public conveniences. You sit there in sublime peace when suddenly you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the tranquillity like machine gun fire. The guy in the next cubicle hits the floor like a Vietnam veteran, cradling his umbrella like a M16... damn commies.
THE INCREDIBLE HULK ****: The king of **** that sits in the toilet overnight and mysteriously expands to twice its normal size.
THE JACK THE RIPPER ****: The kind of **** that yanks out the hair of your ass as it pushes its way out.
THE SOUND EFFECT: You feel a noisy one coming on but relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot. So, you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is of the essence. At the precise moment of release, try the following: 1. Flush the toilet 2. Drop loose change on the floor, 3. Cough loudly in time with each release.
THE PARTY POOPER: The giant **** you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.
THE TOXIC GAS ****: The kind of **** that makes you pass out and fall of the toilet before you finish, and then you wake up in some strange South American town.
THE DIRTY BOWL ****: The kind of **** that comes out in a million pieces a second, reminiscent of an avalanche - but with rocket propulsion, and splatters all over the toilet bowl.
THE WINDY CITY ****: When you sit down, and fart for so long and hard that you no longer need to take a ****.
THE OH ****! ****: You **** so much and wipe your ass so furiously you run out of toilet paper and you say OH ****!
THE NEVER ENDING ****: It's the **** that keeps running out of your ass like pea, and just when you start wiping your ass your stomach gargles and splash, more **** runs out. This always happens after eating at Kentucky Fried Chicken.
THE OUCH THAT HURT ****: The type of **** that leaves you feeling like you just hoped onto a bicycle without a seat. Sensation usually lasts hours.
Laughter IS the best medicine - always
Why dont you let black people work the night shift?
Nobody can see them.
Why dont you let black people work at the zoo?
They eat the animals.
Why dont you let white people work at the zoo?
They put black people in cages.
Why dont you let white people work at a ski resort?
Nobody can see them.
How do asians settle dispute?
Pokemon battle.
XKCD strikes again:
http://www.xkcd.com/1751/
This guy was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the middle of a storm. The night was black and no cars went by. The storm was so strong, he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly he saw a car coming towards him. It stopped. The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car, closed the door and then realised there was nobody behind the wheel.
The car started slowly. The guy looks at the road and sees a curve coming his way. Scared he starts to pray begging for his life. He hasn't come out of shock, when just before he hits the curve, a hand appears through the window and moves the wheel.
Paralysed in terror, he watches how the hand appears every time they get to a curve.
The guy, gathering strength, gets out of the car and runs to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he goes to a pub and asks for two shots of whiskey, and starts telling everybody about the horrible experience he just went through. A silence enveloped everybody when they realised the guy is crying and isn't drunk.
About half an hour later, two blokes walked in the same pub and one said to the other. "Look Bill, there's the wanker that got in the car while we were pushing it!"
Laughter IS the best medicine - always
An old Italian gentleman lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was difficult work, as the ground was very hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son to describe his predicament:
"Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting to old to be digging up a garden plot.I know if you were here my troubles would be over.I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me like in the old days. Love, papa"
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
"Dear papa, don't dig up that garden. That's were the bodies are buried. Love, Vinnie"
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. The same day the old man received another letter from his son.
"Dear papa, go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love you, Vinnie"
LOL - a good one Landro :)
A lady is eating breakfast out on her patio one morning when she notices a massive gorilla climbing up her palm tree. This sight scares her so she runs inside her house.
Trying to figure out what to do she grabs the Yellow Pages and looks it up. Sure enough right in the yellow pages is a big ad for gorilla extractors. She calls the number and the man on the other end of the line says he'll be right over.
When he shows up he explains to the lady that it is a pretty common problem and it should only take a few minutes.
First he must get his equipment. So from his truck he grabs a stepladder, a shotgun, an eight foot pole, handcuffs and a mean ass dog. The lady exclaims "What the hell is all that stuff for?" The gorilla extractor explains: "First I climb up on the stepladder and ram this here pole up the gorilla ass. This will cause the gorilla to fall from the tree at which point that mean ass dog will bite the gorilla in the balls. This temporarily paralyses the gorilla. At which point I put the handcuffs on the gorilla and take him away.
The lady asks "What's the shotgun for?" The man answers "In case I fall off the ladder, you shoot the ****ing dog!"
Laughter IS the best medicine - always
Lol
There are currently 7 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 7 guests)
Posting Permissions
Reply With Quote
