Krozair's Krackup's

[Krozair]

A member of the Country Club asked the lifeguard how he might go about teaching a young lady to swim. "It takes considerable time and technique". replied the guard. "First you must take her into the water, then place one arm about her waist, hold her tightly, then take her right arm and raise it very slowly". "This is certainly most helpful" said the member. "I know that my sister will appreciate it". "Your sister?" said the lifeguard. "In that case, just push her into the deep end of the pool. She'll learn in a hurry".

[Krozair]

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN
ARGUMENT (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realised it yet.
AIRHEAD (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
BARBEQUE (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he "made the dinner".
BLONDE JOKES (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
CANTALOUPE (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.
CLOTHES DRYER (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.
DIET SODA (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half-pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
ETERNITY (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.
EXERCISE (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
GROCERY LIST (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
HAIR DRESSER (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician".
HARDWARE STORE (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space - if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.
CHILDBIRTH (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus... breath... push..."
LIPSTICK (lip*stik) n. On your lips, colouring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, colouring only a tramp would wear...!
PARK (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning "to go somewhere and feel each other up". After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
PATIENCE (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilisers".
WATERPROOF MASCARA (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
VALENTINE'S DAY (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

[Krozair]

An irate motorist went to his insurance company and demanded money because his car had been stolen. "But" explained the insurance agent "we do not give you money. We will replace the car with another". The man replied indignantly "Well, if that's the way you do business, you can just cancel the policy on my wife".

[Krozair]

Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good... mostly A's and a couple of B's. However, her teacher had written across the bottom "Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit". Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back "Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother".
--

[.:. The Moon .:.]

A Dwarf Province is readying for an attack, as the troops are preparing - two of them are in a conversation...

Warrior. "Are you coming on the attack?"

Axemen. "No, i cant ..."

The Warrior frowns at his comrade and asks. "Why is that?"

Axeman. "Im too def."

[Krozair]

Martin had just received his brand-new driver's license.
The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time.
Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver. "I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive" says the beaming boy to his father.

"Nope" comes dad's reply "I'm gonna sit here and kick the f*cking back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years!"
--

[Krozair]

--
I stuck my finger in her hole and I could immediately feel it getting wet. As I pulled it out, she then started squirting and going down on me, and a sudden rush overcame us both. ****... I really need to get off this f*cking boat before it sinks.

[Krozair]

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news: "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year". Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked "Will I be acquitted?"
--

[Krozair]

Little Mary was not the best student in the Catholic School, usually she slept through the class.
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. "Tell me Mary, who created the universe?"
When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
"God Almighty!" shouted Mary.
"Very good" said the Nun said and continued teaching her class.
A little later the Nun asked Mary "Who is our Lord and Saviour?"
But Mary didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Little Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt with the pencil.
"Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary and the Nun once again said "'Very good!" Mary fell back asleep.
The Nun asked her a third question "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"
Again, Johnny was about to come to her rescue.
This time Mary jumped up and shouted "If you stick that f*cking thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
The nun fainted.

[Krozair]

While attending a "Sex, Love & Intimacy - Weekend workshop" Dave and his partner, Ann, listened to the instructor declare "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other". He then addressed the men "Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?" Dave leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and whispered "It's Self-Raising, isn't it?" The divorce goes through next week.

[Krozair]

A FEW FACTS ABOUT MEN
-Men like to barbeque. Men will cook if danger is involved.
-Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewellery.
-If a woman buys her husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, she needs to lock the door when she goes to the bathroom.
-Women need to be careful of men who are bald and rich. The arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald".
-Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
-Men are very confident people. A husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates, he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from the living room and if they are really in trouble, the wife has to get off the phone in case they call him.
-If its attention a girl wants, she doesn't need to get involved with a man during playoff season.
-Men like phones with lots of buttons. it makes them feel important.
-Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
-All men look nerdy in ANY socks and sandals.
-The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.
-Women should not try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.
-Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.
-A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
-Men love watches with multiple functions.
-All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship". These seven words strike fear in the heart of even the Inspector General of Police.
-Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.
-Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a camp fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
-All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Ask disgruntled women for a list of names.
-Men don't get cellulite.
-Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Woman have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
-Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, sleep next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
-Women take clothing much more seriously than men. Rarely does a man walk into a party and say "Oh my gosh. I'm so embarrassed... get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo!"
-Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
- If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.
-If you're dating a man who you think is Mr Right and if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise.
-The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on caterpillars and butterflies.
-Men own basketball teams. Every cheerleader's outfits get tighter and player's shorts get baggier and longer.
-No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
-When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
-When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
-Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.
-Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
-Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am i emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outstropective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"
-If a man says "I'll call you" and doesn't, he didn't forget, he didn't lose your number, he didn't die, he just didn't want to call you.
-Men hate to lose. If a woman beats he husband at tennis, she might ask him "Are we ever going to be in love again?" He might say "Yes, but not with each other".
-Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you really want to get rid of a man say "I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have your children". Sometimes they leave skid marks.
-Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch you look great". Mitch: "Thanks". On the other side: "Ruth, you look great". Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting"
-Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.
-Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.
-Only men who have worn a ski suit understands how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.
-Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. Women need men emotionally and intimately, but they also need men to help them get dressed.
-Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
-When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.
-Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
-Men forget everything, women remember everything. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.
-Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.
-All men would still really like to own a train set.

[Krozair]

A couple were watching a program on psychology one night when the topic of conflicting feelings came up. The husband told the wife there was no such thing as feeling good about something and at the same time feel bad about it. The wife thought about it for a minute and strongly disagreed. He called her bluff and said "prove it". She said "You have the biggest dick out of all of your friends".

[Krozair]

One day a blonde guy went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last! As he was paying for the parrot he said to the Auctioneer "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!" "Don't worry" said the auctioneer "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"

[Krozair]

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. When he finally gets himself to the doctor he says," How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way".
The doc said "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week".
So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little four-sided bandage, and wired it all together - an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he had seen them. She says "You'll be the first, no one has ever touched these breasts".
He whips down his pants and says "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"

[Krozair]

The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator "Do you know what I use this for?" The navigator replied timidly "No, what's it for?" The pilot responded "I use this on navigators who get me lost!" The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table. The pilot asked "What's that for?" "To be honest sir" the navigator replied "I'll know we're lost before you will".