Krozair's Krackup's

[Krozair]

A recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach, Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir, how are you?" "Fine, thank you" he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked. "First time since my wife passed away last year" he replied, and again turned back to his book.
"Do you live around here?" she asked. "Yes, I live over in Suntree" he answered, and then resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. "Do you like pussycats?" With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man "How did you know that was what I wanted?" The man replied "How did you know my name was Katz?"

[Krozair]

A man walks into a zoo.
The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog.
It's a Sh!tzu

[Krozair]

According to unofficial Government sources, a new simplified income-tax form to be introduced contains only four lines:
1. What was your income for the year?
2. What were your expenses?
3. How much have you left?
4. Send it in.

[Krozair]

My wife and I went to the Lincolnshire county farm show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said 'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'. My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs, smiled and said "He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week!".
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said 'THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'. My wife gave me a healthy jab and said "WOW! That's more than twice a week!! You could learn a lot from him".
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said in capital letters 'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'.
My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs and said "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one". I looked at her and said "Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow".
I don't remember much about what happened next. My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable, I should eventually make a full recovery.

[Krozair]

Time for some puns to groan at....


What falls, but never needs a bandage? The rain.
I was going to tell you a joke about boxing but I forgot the punch line.
I'm not a fan of spring cleaning. Let's be honest, I'm not into summer, fall, or winter cleaning either.
Why did the egg hide? It was a little chicken.
What did the dirt say to the rain? If you keep this up, my name will be mud!
Why couldn't the sunflower ride its bike? It lost its petals.
What's an egg's favorite vacation spot? New Yolk City.

[Krozair]

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.

[Krozair]

Some Puns for the day

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

Why did the melon jump into the lake? It wanted to be a water-melon.

What did the duck say when it bought lipstick? “Put it on my bill.”

What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop.

What has a bed that you can’t sleep in? A river.

Why were the teacher’s eyes crossed? She couldn’t control her pupils.

What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? An Envelope.

How does the ocean say hello? It waves.

What lights up a soccer stadium? A soccer match.

What creature is smarter than a talking parrot? A spelling bee.

[Krozair]

In the morning Tom calls to his boss:

– Good morning, boss, unfortunately, I’m not coming to work today. I’m really sick. I got a headache, stomach ache, and my both hands and legs hurt, so I’m not coming into work.”

The boss replies:

– You know Tom; I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better, and I can go to work. You should try that.

2 hours later Bob calls:

– Boss, I followed your advice, and I feel great! I’ll be at work soon. By the way, you got a nice house.

[Krozair]

Wife comes back from the doctor and says to her husband:

– Honey, I have a sad news – a gynecologist told me not have sex for three weeks…

Husband:

– And what did the dentist say?

[Krozair]

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy shop and asks the sales person "HHow much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?" The salesperson answers "Which one do you mean, sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95".
Amazed, the father asks "It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs and answers "Sir... Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls".

[Krozair]

A woman sued a hotel for losing her luggage. Unfortunately, she lost the case.

[Krozair]

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.

[Krozair]

The woman could hardly think of anything else all day and she couldn't wait for her husband to return home.
That evening, the man finally came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.
Delighted, she opened it excitedly to find a book entitled…

“The Meaning of Dreams”

[Krozair]

I asked the director of a psychiatric ward how they know for sure if someone is mentally unstable and needs to be committed. He explained their method: they go to a bathroom and fill a bathtub to the top. They then give the patient a big bucket and a small spoon, and ask them to empty the tub. “Ah,” I replied, “so the normal person chooses the bucket because it’s larger, right?” The director disagreed: “No, a normal person would simply pull the drain stopper.” And added “By the way, is a room with a garden view ok for you?”

[Krozair]

My phone keeps autocorrecting “fvck” to “duck.” That’s okay – it’s still fowl language.