Krozair's Krackup's

[Lestat]

On ya Kroz

[Krozair]

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand, walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun.
Ventriloquist: "G'day Mate! Good looking dog, mind if I speak to him?"
Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog: "Doin' all right"
Villager: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Villager: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Villager: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Villager: "The sheep's a liar"

[Krozair]

I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving. As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years. A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at the Marriott Hotel and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home. Sure enough I passed a police road block but as it was a bus, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.

[Krozair]

DUMB GAME SHOW ANSWERS

FAMILY FORTUNES
MAX BYGRAVES: Name something people take to the beach
CONTESTANT: Turkey.
--
LES DENNIS: Name a topping you'd put on a baked potato?
CONTESTANT: Jam.
--
LES DENNIS: Where is the Taj Mahal?
CONTESTANT: Opposite the dental hospital.
--
LES DENNIS: Name a bird with a long neck?
CONTESTANT: Naomi Campbell.
--
LES DENNIS: Name something associated with pigs.
CONTESTANT: The police.
--
LES DENNIS: Name something red.
CONTESTANT: My cardigan.

THE WEAKEST LINK
ANNE ROBINSON: Name the man who was President of Italy until May 2006.
CONTESTANT: Don Corleone.
--
ANNE ROBINSON: Complete the title of the well-known play, The Iceman...?
CONTESTANT: Melts.
--
ANNE ROBINSON: What was the sequel to the movie I Know What You Did Last Summer?
CONTESTANT: I Know What You Did Last Winter.
--
ANNE ROBINSON: What B was a pseudonym used by Charles Dickens?
CONTESTANT: Bart Simpson.
--
ANNE ROBINSON: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: Prison, or the Conservative Party?
CONTESTANT: The Conservative Party.

NATIONAL LOTTERY JET SET
EAMONN HOLMES: Dizzy Gillespie is famous for playing what?
CONTESTANT: Basketball.
--
QUESTION: What is the world's largest continent?
CONTESTANT: The Pacific.
--
EAMONN HOLMES: What's the name of the playwright commonly known by the initials G.B.S.?
CONTESTANT: William Shakespeare.

DOG EAT DOG
ULRIKA JONSSON: Who wrote Lord Of The Rings?
CONTESTANT: Enid Blyton.

THIS MORNING
FERN BRITTON: Which actress starred in Sleepless in Seattle and When Harry Met Sally?
CONTESTANT: Tom Hanks.

BLOCKBUSTERS
BOB HOLNESS: What K is a suicide mission for a pilot?
CONTESTANT: Kama Sutra.

WOGAN'S PERFECT RECALL
TERRY WOGAN: Which Duke resides at Woburn Abbey?
CONTESTANT: Hazzard.

SARA COX SHOW, BBC RADIO 1
SARA COX: Beauty is in the eye of the...?
CONTESTANT: Tiger.

2CR FM
PRESENTER: Who painted the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel?
CONTESTANT: Leonardo di Caprio.

HEART FM
PRESENTER: Emmental and Double Gloucester are both types of what?
CONTESTANT: Banks.

VIKING FM
PRESENTER: Who was the Prime Minister before Tony Blair?
CONTESTANT: George Bush.

SPIN STAR
DARREN DAY: What area of Germany is the cake named after, made with chocolate, cream, kirsch and cherries?
CONTESTANT: Belgium.

BBC RADIO MERSEYSIDE
PRESENTER: What was Hitler's first name?
CONTESTANT: Heil.

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
JEREMY PAXMAN: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
CONTESTANT: Homosexuals.
JEREMY PAXMAN: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
JAMIE THEAKSTON: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
CONTESTANT: Geography isn't my strong point.
JAMIE THEAKSTON: There's a clue in the title.
CONTESTANT: Leicester.

BBC NORFOLK
STEWART WHITE: Who had a worldwide hit with 'What A Wonderful World'?
Contestant: I don't know.
STEWART WHITE: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
CONTESTANT: Arm.
STEWART WHITE: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?
CONTESTANT: Strong.
STEWART WHITE: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
CONTESTANT: Louis.
STEWART WHITE: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song 'What A Wonderful World'?
CONTESTANT: Frank Sinatra?

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)
ALEX TRELINSKI: What is the capital of Italy?
CONTESTANT: France.
TRELINSKI: France is another country. Try again.
CONTESTANT: Oh, um, Benidorm.
TRELINSKI: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
CONTESTANT: Sorry, I don't know.
TRELINSKI: Just guess a country then.
CONTESTANT: Paris.

BEACON RADIO (WOLVERHAMPTON)
DJ MARK: For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
CONTESTANT: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
BAMBER GASCOYNE: What was Gandhi's first name?
CONTESTANT: Goosey?

GWR FM (BRISTOL)
PRESENTER: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
CONTESTANT: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER)
PHIL: What's 11 squared?
CONTESTANT: I don't know.
PHIL: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
CONTESTANT: Is it five?

RICHARD AND JUDY
RICHARD: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
CONTESTANT: Forrest Gump.
--
RICHARD: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
CONTESTANT: Err...
RICHARD: He makes bread...
CONTESTANT: Err...
RICHARD: He makes cakes...
CONTESTANT: Kipling Street?

LINCS FM PHONE-IN
PRESENTER: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
CONTESTANT: Barcelona.
PRESENTER: I was really after the name of a country.
CONTESTANT: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.

ROCK FM (PRESTON)
PRESENTER: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci.
CONTESTANT: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
STEVE LE FEVRE: What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
CONTESTANT: Magna Carta?

JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
JAMES O'BRIEN: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
CONTESTANT: Err well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth... err... Three?

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL)
CHRIS SEARLE: In which European country is Mount Etna?
CALLER: Japan.
CHRIS SEARLE: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
CALLER: Err... Mexico?

PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE)
PAUL WAPPAT: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (long pause): Fourteen days.

DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
DARYL DENHAM: In which country would you spend shekels?
CONTESTANT: Holland?
DARYL DENHAM: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
CONTESTANT: Iceland? Ireland ?
DARYL DENHAM: (helpfully) It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?
CONTESTANT: No.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
PHIL WOOD: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
CONTESTANT: Err...
PHIL WOOD: It's got two syllables... Kor...
CONTESTANT: Blimey?
PHIL WOOD: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run...
CONTESTANT: (Silence)
PHIL WOOD: Okay, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I...
CONTESTANT: Walked?

THE VAULT
MELANIE SYKES: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
CONTESTANT: Nostalgia.

STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
WRIGHT: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?
CONTESTANT: Jesus.

[Krozair]

While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man's, he said, 'I know how you feel. My mom makes me ride in the stroller too..'

*****

As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing. After mulling over my answers, she remarked, 'My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them.'

*****

Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little wistful.
'In ten years,' I said, 'you'll want to be with your friends and you won't go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now.'
Carolyn shrugged. 'In ten years, you'll be too old to do all those things anyway.'

******

Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day, I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her needle.
'No, no, no!' she screamed.
'Lizzie,' scolded her mother, 'that's not polite behavior.'
With that, the girl yelled even louder, 'No, thank you! No, thank you!'

******

On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son, 'Dad, I know babies come from mommies' tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?'
After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust, 'You don't have to make
up something, Dad. It's okay if you don't know the answer.'

*****

Just before I was deployed to Iraq , I sat my eight-year-old son down and broke the news to him. 'I'm going to be away for a long time,' I told him. 'I'm going to Iraq .'
'Why?' he asked. 'Don't you know there's a war going on over there?'

*****

Paul Newman founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for children stricken with cancer, AIDS, and blood diseases. One afternoon, he and his wife, Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with the kids. A counselor at a nearby
table, suspecting the young patients wouldn't know Newman was a famous movie star, explained, That's the man who made this camp possible. Maybe you've seen his picture on his salad dressing bottle?'
Blank stares.
'Well, you've probably seen his face on his lemonade carton.'
An eight-year-old girl perked up. 'How long was he missing?'

*****

His wife's graveside service just barely finished, there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance .... the little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there."

[Krozair]

ACTUAL NEWS HEADLINES FROM AROUND THE WORLD

-MAN KILLS SELF BEFORE SHOOTING WIFE AND DAUGHTER
If nothing else, he was talented.
-PLANE TOO CLOSE TO GROUND, CRASH PROBE TOLD
Surprisingly, this is a common cause of plane crashes.
-SOMETHING WENT WRONG IN JET CRASH, EXPERT SAYS
No, really? Ya think?
-DRUNK GETS NINE MONTHS IN VIOLIN CASE
Sounds uncomfortable.
-POLICE BEGIN CAMPAIGN TO RUN DOWN JAYWALKERS
Now that's taking things a bit far!
-PANDA MATING FAILS; VETERINARIAN TAKES OVER
Let's hope he can do it!
-SQUAD HELPS DOG BITE VICTIM
I'm pretty sure there's a law against that.
-MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
-JUVENILE COURT TO TRY SHOOTING DEFENDANT
If all else fails...
-WAR DIMS HOPE FOR PEACE
I can see where it might have that effect!
-TEACHER STRIKES IDLE KIDS
Probably shouldn't have been standing there.
-IF STRIKE ISN'T SETTLED QUICKLY, IT MAY LAST A WHILE
Ya think?!
-NEVER WITHHOLD HERPES INFECTION FROM LOVED ONE
Sharing is caring.
-COLD WAVE LINKED TO TEMPERATURES
Who would have thought!
-END TO FREE SCHOOL LOOMS
Long past due in my opinion.
-EYE DROPS OFF SHELF
Poor vision blamed.
-ENFIELD (LONDON) COUPLE SLAIN; POLICE SUSPECT HOMICIDE
They may be on to something!
-BRITISH LEFT WAFFLES ON FALKLAND ISLANDS
How dare they!?
-REAGAN WINS ON BUDGET, BUT MORE LIES AHEAD
That’s how politics works isn't it?
-RED TAPE HOLDS UP NEW BRIDGES
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape? Oklahoma's new construction program!
-SOVIET VIRGIN LANDS SHORT OF GOAL AGAIN
Well it's not something you should rush. First time should be special right?
-MAN STRUCK BY LIGHTNING: FACES BATTERY CHARGE
He probably IS the battery charge!
-PROSTITUTES APPEAL TO POPE
He is human after all.
-KILLER SENTENCED TO DIE FOR SECOND TIME IN 10 YEARS
Are they going to dig him up...?
-NEW STUDY OF OBESITY LOOKS FOR LARGER TEST GROUP
Weren't they fat enough?!
-IRAQI HEAD SEEKS ARMS
Can't be greedy about these things.
-ASTRONAUT TAKES BLAME FOR GAS IN SPACECRAFT
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
-FARMER BILL DIES IN HOUSE
Poor Bill.
-TWO SOVIET SHIPS COLLIDE, ONE DIES
Poor little ship.
-KIDS MAKE NUTRITIOUS SNACKS
Do they taste like chicken?
-SURVIVOR OF SIAMESE TWINS JOINS PARENTS
Old habits die hard I guess.
-LOCAL HIGH SCHOOL DROPOUTS CUT IN HALF
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
-SAFETY EXPERTS SAY SCHOOL BUS PASSENGERS SHOULD BE BELTED
A bit harsh maybe...
-HOSPITAL SUED BY 7 FOOT DOCTORS
Boy, are they tall!
-STOLEN PAINTING FOUND BY TREE
I didn’t even realise the tree was looking.
-LUNG CANCER IN WOMEN MUSHROOMS
Can you still eat them...?
-TYPHOON RIPS THROUGH CEMETERY; HUNDREDS DEAD
Did I read that right?
-SHOT OFF WOMAN'S LEG HELPS NICKLAUS TO 66
Where do I get one??

[Bishop]

More quiz answers.

Something a blind man might use? A sword
A Song with the word Moon in the title? Blue Suede Moon
Name the Capital of France? F
Name a bird with a long Neck? Naomi Campbell
Name an occupation where you might need a torch? A burglar
Where is the Taj Mahal? Opposite the Dental Hospital
What is Hitlers first name? Heil
As happy as…. (Larry gave a hint: “think of my name”) A pig in ****
Some famous brothers? Bonnie and Clyde
A dangerous race? The Arabs
Something that floats in a bath? Water
An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers? A horse
Something you wear on a beach? A deckchair
A famous Royal? Mail
Something that flies that doesn’t have an engine? A bicycle with wings
A famous bridge? The Bridge Over Troubled Waters
Something a cat does? Goes to the toilet
Something you do in the bathroom? Decorate
A method of securing your home? Put the kettle on
Something associated with pigs? The Police
A sign of the Zodiac? April
Something people might be allergic to? Skiing
Something you do before you go to bed? Sleep
Something you put on walls? A roof
Something slippery ? A con-man
A kind of ache? A fillet of fish
Name a star followed by travelers? Joe Dolan
A Jacket Potato topping? Jam
A food that can be brown or white ? A potato
A famous Scotsman? Jock
A famous Scotsman? Vinnie Jones
Something you open, other than a door? Your bowels

[Krozair]

Yay - good to see others contributing....


A little girl came running into the house crying her eyes out and cradling her hand. "Mummy, quick! Get me a glass of cider!" she wailed. "Why do you want a glass of cider?" asked mum. "I cut my hand on a thorn, and I want the pain to go away".
Confused, but weary of the child's whining, the mother obliged and poured her a glass of cider. The little girl immediately dunked her hand in it. "Ouch! It still hurts! This cider doesn't work!" whined the little one.
"What are you talking about?" asked her increasingly perplexed parent. "I once heard the babysitter say that whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider

[Krozair]

A young law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.
Student: "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"
Professor: "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"
Student: "Okay so I'd like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an A.
Professor: "Hmmmm alright. What's the question?"
Student: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?"
The professor wracks his famous brain but just can't crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an A as agreed and the student goes away, very pleased.
The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can't get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?"
To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all the students immediately raise their hands. "All right" says the professor and asks his favourite student to answer.
"It's quite easy, sir" says the student "You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 18 year old lover which is logical, but not legal. And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an A, which is nether legal, nor logical".

[Krozair]

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else...

One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said "I'll give you a $100 if you let me screw you. But the girl said "NO".

Johnny said "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. "

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend. So she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says "Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down!"

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his
girlfriend to call. Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls to ask what happened.

She responded "The bastard used 20 cent coins!"

[Krozair]

MALE OR FEMALE?
You might not have known this but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:
FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in... but you can see right through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.
TYRES: Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object because to get them to go anywhere you have to light a fire under their arse.
SPONGES: These are female because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGES: Female because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
TRAINS: Definitely male because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.
EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because over time all the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMERS: Male because in the last 5000 years they've hardly changed at all and are occasionally handy to have around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. You'd probably think they'd be male but consider this: it easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push - he just keeps trying.

[freemehul]

Did you hear about the Declaration of Emancipation signed by Lincoln? This piece of paper was auctioned for 2 million. Did you hear what the new owner said, after he finally managed to buy it?
























"bought at last, bought at last, thank god almighty bought at last"

[freemehul]

Did you know there is one place in America where Romney can actually create more jobs than Obama? Do you know what place that is? It's the white house. Do you know why he can create more jobs there?

















Because he needs a security detail for each First Lady. ;)

[peteyb22]

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?






















He wiped... :)

[KuhaN]

A young law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.
Student: "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"
Professor: "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"
Student: "Okay so I'd like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an A.
Professor: "Hmmmm alright. What's the question?"
Student: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?"
The professor wracks his famous brain but just can't crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an A as agreed and the student goes away, very pleased.
The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can't get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?"
To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all the students immediately raise their hands. "All right" says the professor and asks his favourite student to answer.
"It's quite easy, sir" says the student "You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 18 year old lover which is logical, but not legal. And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an A, which is nether legal, nor logical".

This was good lol.